Yesterday, I tested positive. Today, I didn't.

So I actually began to write this back in May - but turns out that I needed a bit more time to fully process things and make sure I was looking at this objectively. So here we are, more than three months later... but you'll see some of my snippets from May.

mid-May: This past week culminating in a three day saga of sorts have drained me. In short:

• Sunday: Mother's Day, my Birthday, and the first day of my scheduled period. I thought, why not see if this trifecta can be completed with a possible pregnancy check?! I'd noticed I've been a bit more tired and passing a fair amount of gas (sorry, TMI). Early pregnancy test kit - negative. Awww. We'll try again next month - maybe those 'symptoms' were just from food and work stress.

• Wednesday: Still no period, but nothing feels different, maybe a little more tired than general. I had minor breakouts on my cheeks, which is unusual for PMS (my husband gently pointed out I'd been snacking a bit too much..). I was feeling really, really, tired though. So tired that my legs were heavy getting out of the car. How odd! Thought I might as well take a test - they do say test kits are accurate from the first day of your missed period. Came back negative. Huh. Maybe it's the recent IUD removal that's requiring my body to readjust. And maybe I'm just exceptionally tired from work, which has been really taking its toll lately.

• Thursday: My husband, who had been a real saint throughout all of my constant 'dooo you think I'm pregnant?!' questions, threw his hands up and bought an 8-pack of tests to set me free on what has become a semi-obsession. As my period was four days late at this point, I thought, okay - let's take a test again. I couldn't pinpoint to what, but I really felt something was a little different. Sore breasts, fatigue, all part of the usual PMS, but I'm never this late on my period. Took an 'early' pregnancy test myself at home - faintly, faintly positive. Had a mild solo freak out and went into a work call, then a work event. Told husband on the way home close to midnight. He looked at me like I may have been imagining things (yes yes, my eagerness was through the roof the past few days), but at some point I think it started to click in his brain, but we both said let's wait, juuuust in case hormones were off (they aren't, btw. You either have pregnancy hormones - hCG - or you don't - there is no spectrum with this thing. But hey - we were now holding off on the excitement!).

• Friday: Took another 'early' pregnancy test together in the morning - again positive. Yup, it's real now. It was real - REAL. I was pregnant!! Googled 'pregnant. what next?' and saw all the foods I should avoid. Fine. Booked a prenatal appointment. Went to the dentist - answered 'yes' to the 'Are you pregnant?' question to avoid an x-ray. She gave me my very first 'congrats.' Very odd feeling - but feeling giddy.

• Saturday: We had five paper strips of 'regular' pregnancy tests that came with the early ones. Thought I'd use it, given the pregnancy - and the line that came back was very, very faint, worryingly so. Weren't these supposed to become darker over time, given two days after my positive test? Tried another in the evening (remember, I was intending to 'use these up'), and came back negative. Nada. Starting to feel anxious.

• Sunday: Tried a different brand, and it came back negative. I left it out for a few more mins, seeing if another line would appear - nothing. I didn't cry - I had read all the articles around things taking time, and knew it was our very first go ever. This is just the start - and it even had a different name being over so early. A 'Chemical Pregnancy' - i.e. a pregnancy that ends in very early miscarriage (often before the 5th week), and is detected only by a hormone test.

  
  

I thought I was rationally accepting my outcome on Sunday. But over the next few weeks - I found myself suddenly feeling very much emotional, suddenly feeling that I had lost a potential. I did sob a bit here and there throughout the next few days - because for a few hours that I knew I was pregnant - when those two lines came out - I had mentally begun to acknowledge that I was becoming a mom. A MOM.

I even felt bad feeling so bad about it - I mean, it was over so early that it had a different name within the 'miscarriage' definition - a chemical pregnancy (personally, what an awful term - sounds so immaterial). Most people didn't even take a test during these times and would never know. I didn't even get the 'bonding' time that mothers who miscarried much later would have - did I even have the right to be upset about it, compared to the trauma that those who experience miscarriages much later would feel? Should I be feeling anything at all?

Over the next few weeks I came to realise - this was less about the almost-baby itself and more about our hopes and dreams to become mothers and fathers. Even in this short time, I had my visuals and ideas of what the future could bring, and started to consider this ball of dividing cells a potential to be a fetus, and then a baby. I had downloaded the pregnancy apps that told me my embryo was the size of a poppy seed; my husband and I had started to look up what changes we would have to make to our lives. It was very real to me for this period of time, and it was something I felt as a loss, which meant I was grieving for the loss of possibilities, albeit in a much more lowkey, short period of time. And what I think now, months on, is that yes it was really felt as a loss, but I guess it wasn't meant to be. And thank goodness it happened earlier rather than later, because to experience this later really would've been soul crushing.

We'll keep trying. And we are continuing to try - every month is an up and a down, though we've learned to manage our expectations and control our emotions.

Before I end this post, here's a bit of a creepy kicker - my mum called in the Friday morning out of nowhere - just after my first positive test result.

''Hi honey! Is there anything you need to tell us?'

'Err....no?'

'Your dad had a dream about a baby last night. *Laughs* Never mind then - you know we're always waiting for the good news!'

What the heck? Given that I had been telling my parents we loved our child-free lives, that was scary. We still have no idea what to make of it.

Turns out my dad dreamt about a baby girl.

Maybe one day.

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